Our Story
we found out that we r expecting the night before DH left for the sandbox ( on april 5th) We were totally happy called my parents and his parents and told our closest friends. then the day he left i started spotting and i went to the doc ....he said that it could be implanting bleeding and i shouldnt worry so i went home. I had my first check up 04/21/08 everything was fine with the baby i even saw the heart beat :) well time went by and the other check ups came out good nothing was wrong with our daughter (thats what we thought ) but i could feel that something is wrong.... i usually start to buy baby stuff the minute i know i am pregnant but not this time. then 06/30/08 the doc made another ultrasound and then he said " Mrs. B... something is wrong with the baby" my heart stopped... i asked him what was wrong and he said well the babys brain and scull stopped to develop.... ur baby is dying" i broke down in tears Annabell was with me in the room she kept on asking me " mommy is the baby sick, why r u crying" ..... i called my parents they came and picked me up at the clinic.... i called the red cross right away and sent DH a red cross message ... he called me a couple hour later crying asking me if i am ok and all i could say was " babe i am so sorry our baby is dying.... i am so sorry i know i was supposed to take care of ur baby" and he tried to calm me down telling me that it is not my fault that god wanted it this way.... i cant remember much of the next days ... it took my husband 4 days to come home ... 4 days with my dying baby inside of me feeling her. it broke my heart. DH arrived in germany on Saturday 5th 08 and we went to the hopital 4 days later... i arrived at 6 in the morning. they induced me and my contractions started right away. i was alone with the husband they put me into the delivery room and told me"you can stay here ... but if another woman comes in giving birth to a normal baby we will have to move you out of this room" the nurses didnt wanna check on me becuz i gave birth to a dying baby. The doc checked on me once the whole time. i asked him if the nurses would take pictures of my daughter and take hand and foot prints. and all he said "u dont wanna see it when i am done with THIS it will be all crushed ( he planed on letting me dilate a lil and then take the baby out with instruments!)... i broke out in tears DH holding me in his arms.
dh helped me to go to the bathroom and on the way back my water broke (at 13:50pm) i called for the nurse my contractions started to get really bad and at 17:40 i felt that my bedsheets were soaked with blood... i started to freak out and tom yelled for the nurse... all she said was ... the baby is on its way u can push now if u want and left the room. i cried more and more told DH to get the nurse again i didnt want to give birth to our baby without a nurse. well then our little beautiful girl was born she was so tiny and the nurse sad... "its a girl" thats when i lost it. DH and i got to see our lil beautiful and for US perfect daughter for 2 minutes till they brought her into another room where another nurse showed a girl (nurse in training) my baby .... like its a monster or something... they didnt even ask us if we r ok with that and she said to this girl " look thats what babys look like with anencephaly" and you could hear that the nurse in training was shocked and somewhat disgusted... why would u be disgusted by looking at one of God's most precious gift? i was so mad !!!
the nurse called the doc and said that i gave birth to the baby and that i could go and get the surgery done... they left me bleeding in the room for another 1 1/2 hours before i went into surgery the surgery usually takes about 20 minutes ... but after 3 hours i was still not back into my room and DH was going CRAZY becuz they didnt tell him anything.... as soon as i woke up i asked "where is my husband i wanna see my husband NOW" he was allowed to see me for 5 mins he was worried sick becuz he thought something went wrong. i told him he should go home and get some sleep... he didnt wanna go but the nurses didnt allow him to stay in my room.
the next day my daughter the funeral home came to up and they brought her to Trier(where the funeral was 4days later) she had a wonderful little star as new home... i left the next day ( even though the doc didnt feel comfortable releasing me at all since my blood resultzs ect were really bad) but i said that i have to take care of my first born daughter and my husband and that i leave no matter what he says. the funeral was on a monday 07/14/08 at 10 am they gave a wonderful speech my family and some of my closest friends came to say their goodbyes .... my husband realized right then and there what happend the last couple days and broke down crying like ive never seen my husband like that . i felt so helpless :(
after the funeral we had to go back to our apt to get DH's stuff cuz he had to go back to the sandbox ... the army only gave him 9 days that wasnt NEARLY enough to grief the death of our daughter :( .... My doctor didnt give me the option the carry my daughter fullterm. i didnt even know i had this option i found out a couple days after the funeral.
dh helped me to go to the bathroom and on the way back my water broke (at 13:50pm) i called for the nurse my contractions started to get really bad and at 17:40 i felt that my bedsheets were soaked with blood... i started to freak out and tom yelled for the nurse... all she said was ... the baby is on its way u can push now if u want and left the room. i cried more and more told DH to get the nurse again i didnt want to give birth to our baby without a nurse. well then our little beautiful girl was born she was so tiny and the nurse sad... "its a girl" thats when i lost it. DH and i got to see our lil beautiful and for US perfect daughter for 2 minutes till they brought her into another room where another nurse showed a girl (nurse in training) my baby .... like its a monster or something... they didnt even ask us if we r ok with that and she said to this girl " look thats what babys look like with anencephaly" and you could hear that the nurse in training was shocked and somewhat disgusted... why would u be disgusted by looking at one of God's most precious gift? i was so mad !!!
the nurse called the doc and said that i gave birth to the baby and that i could go and get the surgery done... they left me bleeding in the room for another 1 1/2 hours before i went into surgery the surgery usually takes about 20 minutes ... but after 3 hours i was still not back into my room and DH was going CRAZY becuz they didnt tell him anything.... as soon as i woke up i asked "where is my husband i wanna see my husband NOW" he was allowed to see me for 5 mins he was worried sick becuz he thought something went wrong. i told him he should go home and get some sleep... he didnt wanna go but the nurses didnt allow him to stay in my room.
the next day my daughter the funeral home came to up and they brought her to Trier(where the funeral was 4days later) she had a wonderful little star as new home... i left the next day ( even though the doc didnt feel comfortable releasing me at all since my blood resultzs ect were really bad) but i said that i have to take care of my first born daughter and my husband and that i leave no matter what he says. the funeral was on a monday 07/14/08 at 10 am they gave a wonderful speech my family and some of my closest friends came to say their goodbyes .... my husband realized right then and there what happend the last couple days and broke down crying like ive never seen my husband like that . i felt so helpless :(
after the funeral we had to go back to our apt to get DH's stuff cuz he had to go back to the sandbox ... the army only gave him 9 days that wasnt NEARLY enough to grief the death of our daughter :( .... My doctor didnt give me the option the carry my daughter fullterm. i didnt even know i had this option i found out a couple days after the funeral.
My Pregnancy with Kaitlyn Ann & Her little Garden
I'll hold you in heaven
From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain. I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven. I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.
